I’m sure many of you have been made aware of the young boy seen by Chazz Donoghue blowing his whistle near the staff parking lot the morning of the synergy retreat. Certain members of the QA team have expressed concern about the profound nature of his reflection and the way his friend eyed them as they transitioned to the paradigm lounge for the strategy cycle. I have investigated the matter — from the orange colour of their t-shirts to the curvature of the arm that joined the boys in a jocular embrace — and I can assure you there is no cause for concern. That being said, you are requested to work weekends for the rest of the month. Of course, as this would go beyond your full-time schedule, it is voluntary. Incidentally, whispers of downsizing have been heard at head office. Should you choose to come in, muffins will be provided.
As regards the matter of Mrs. Cuthbert’s alleged theft of company documents, she has been released from custody and will rejoin the customer enjoyment team Tuesday. It appears to have been a mix-up regarding her nervous demeanour and the style of headshawl she favours.
Lastly, I am aware of the disparaging remarks that have been made in recent weeks about my alleged seriousness. As a sign of my commitment to an easy-going office culture, and with full knowledge of the guilty parties, I shall for the time being look the other way.